Already Decided
by HeyPrettySailor
Summary: Levi would rather sell his soul directly to the Devil himself than stand here with his hands around Eren's throat, but the decision had already been already made. / (rated M for mentions of suicide and implied sexual content). SPOILERS for manga chapters from 2017-2018.


Levi wrapped his hands around Eren's throat. It was as if he was watching someone else do it—like some other, alien fingers were positioning themselves along the side of Eren's neck, and a pair of someone else's thumbs hovered just above the boy's pulse point. Just below the skin, he could sense the pounding of Eren's blood through young veins, as fierce and quick as any 18-year old's should be. It reminded him of how it had felt underneath his lips last night.

He hesitated. Anything else than to be here. He would rather get on his knees in a pile of horse shit and stay there for days. He would rather swallow nails. Anything else.

Anything.

Around them, the ocean roared and pounded against the sand. Frigid water splashed around them up to Eren's waist, and almost to Levi's chest. Night pressed into every square inch of the landscape. It obscured any small detail beyond the narrow scope of Levi's vision. He could only stare straight ahead. No matter how much he tried, he couldn't tear his gaze away from the pair of glowing, emerald-green eyes that were fixed on his.

They had been camping on the shore for about two weeks. Hanji and her research assistants had been going nuts with all the new elemental samples to gather, and she had the rest of them investigating the shore. There were skeletons of ships to be dismantled and examined. Bits and pieces of another culture to figure out. An enemy to uncover. It had been peaceful, and energetic, and it had been a long time since Levi had seen that much life in the eyes of his fellow soldiers.

But then, as it always happened, the titans came.

* * *

Midnight swathed the land, pitch-dark. Levi had been lost in a fitful dream during one of the rare hours of the night when he actually fell asleep. But when he heard the distant screams, he was wide awake in an instant. He sprang to his feet, already reaching for the only blade he kept in his tent, when the unmistakable sound of bones crunching between teeth cracked right above his head. Without thinking, he sliced his tent open and dove out of the way. A titan's foot came crashing down half a second later.

Whirling, he saw them. Three titans swayed and stomped just meters from the camp, all half-illuminated in the snatches of torchlight as they passed. It had been a while since he'd seen titans—but not long enough that he'd forgotten how to fight them.

The squads scattered, screaming. Only a few had managed to keep their heads. Mikasa was one of them. Levi could already see her shoving her arms through the 3DMG straps and buckling them with every ounce of skill, precision, and training one could expect from her. The others in her friend group—Arlert, Kirschtein, Braus, the others—herded other, less-prepared team members away, shouting for weapons, screaming at people to keep their heads like humans and not half-witted animals. Levi felt a fleeting pride for them, although he would never admit it.

Now was one of those moments Levi wished for Erwin. His booming voice would snap everyone to attention without even trying. One slash of his remaining arm, and everyone would fall into formation, leaving Levi free to get into his own gear and soar off to do what he did best. Now, however, he couldn't spare the time. Levi bounded away, carrying the heavy feeling in his heart of missing the only person he'd ever fully trusted.

And then he had to hurl himself to the side to avoid being stepped on again.

"Sir!" one of the new recruits shrieked, yanking Levi up by the elbow. "They're everywhere!"

"Shut up," Levi said, jerking his arm away. "There are only three. If you scream any louder, they'll devour you on the spot."

"N-not just three," the young woman sobbed.

She pointed behind them. Levi spun. Near the edge of camp, Kirchstein grasped a torch and bravely waved it in the face of a smaller titan, no less threatening, that crept toward the horses. The titan's bug-eyes glistened in the firelight, its tongue lolling from between giant teeth. The horses went insane in their bonds, bucking, squealing from fear, unable to run. The titan reached one hand out, but just as it was about to smash down atop Kirchstein, Mikasa swung out of the dark. One, clean swipe, and she zoomed away again, hardly more than a blur. The titan paused—and then an arc of blood sprayed out the back of its neck. It plunged face-first to the dirt.

Behind it, another pair of eyes loomed. Then another. Then another.

"Shit," Levi said.

He snatched the sniveling girl by the arm and shoved her toward the edge of camp. By now, tremors shook the ground under their feet. Levi could feel the rumbling all the way through his chest. They had to get to where the gear was stored on the other side of the camp, which was where the female tents had been pitched, which explained why Mikasa had been so quick to grab hers. She zoomed overhead again, now joined by a few others—only one of whom had been a guard on duty. The other one must have been eaten.

"Wh-what should I do, captain?" the girl choked out.

"Keep your mouth shut and put on your gear," Levi said.

They arrived at the only place in the camp where more than one torch had been lit. Several cadets were already there, snatching 3DMG out of the crates and throwing them at whoever was nearest. Levi spotted Hanji's ponytail disappearing into the dark as she ran off. She would probably never let him hear the end of it if she knew she'd gotten into the air before had.

Arlert was there too, but he was screaming something unintelligible out past the ring of light. He turned, and Levi saw an expression of horror plastered across his face. It sent a small jolt of worry through him. It was hard to make Arlert look like that.

Their eyes met.

"Captain!" Arlert cried. He darted over, chest heaving. "Please, you have to go out there and find Eren. I haven't seen him, and neither has Mikasa."

"Useless brat," Levi growled. "Did he run off somewhere? Where was he supposed to be?"

"He was on watch," Arlert said, his terror melting into a glare. "He was the one who told me the titans were coming, and then he went out again to hold them off while I woke the others. We didn't know there were so many."

"Get my gear," Levi spat.

"Yes, sir."

Arlert darted for the storage units again. The young woman, who had been clutching Levi's sleeve, finally let go and ran after Arlert, sniffling and whimpering the whole way. Levi cast his eyes over the line of glowing titan eyes high in the dark air, lumbering nearer to the camp. Blurry human figures swung in and out between them, their blades flashing in the light.

"Where are you, brat…?" Levi murmured.

Just as the words left his mouth, a bolt of green lightning zapped out of the sky to his right. Levi jumped.

"That idiot," he said.

"There he is!" Arlert yelled, pointing as if Levi couldn't blatantly see exactly where Eren was. However, the boy also thrust Levi's 3DMG into his arms and then ran off again.

Levi wasted no time suiting up. As he secured the last buckles, a familiar roar fractured the camp. It sent a tingle down his spine. Even though he couldn't see that far in the blackness, he pictured Eren's titan form sinking its teeth into another titan's face, or ripping out the back of another titan's neck with his bare hands. He shouldn't have transformed this soon. They had no idea how many monsters were out there. He might expel his strength before they even got halfway through the battle.

"He never thinks," Levi muttered to himself as he pulled out his blades.

With one leap, he triggered the iron wires from his gear and plunged the grappling hooks into the nearest titan's flesh. He throttled off the ground, released the hooks almost immediately, spun around, and while plummeting from the force of the launch, sliced the titan's neck open in one fell swoop. The beast shrieked, tottered, and lurched toward the ground. Levi didn't bother watching it land. He was already halfway to the next one.

The next few minutes were a blood-splattered blur. One second, he ducked beneath another human's 3DMG wires, the next, he latched his hooks onto a titan's face and slashed out its eyes. Then he landed feet-first on the ground, hard enough to rattle his teeth, before spinning and launching off again, his blades still swinging. Roars, screams, and cries that cut off midway turned the night into a solid wall of white noise. Hot blood burned along his arms. Frigid night air pierced his lungs.

Then, all at once, it ended.

Levi thumped hard to the ground again, staggering a bit to catch his balance. Somewhere along the way, he had either landed too hard or gotten hit, and had aggravated his old leg injury. He winced, but lost no time looking around. Some of the party members who hadn't had time to don their gear had lit enough torches to survey the scene. Flickering light fell on the torn-up dirt.

Body parts littered the ground. Levi's eyes passed over a mangled corpse only long enough to ensure it wasn't a member of his immediate squad—although it didn't lessen the burning frustration that welled in his chest. If only Erwin had been here. He would have called a formation. He would have kept his head long enough to orchestrate order before flinging himself into the kill. He would have-

Levi shook his head. No time to dwell on impossible variables. Erwin would be the first to tell him to focus on the present and save as many lives as possible.

"Sir!" Kirchstein yelled. He staggered over, bruised and breathless, but otherwise unhurt. "They're all down. I think there were seven total… and I think you took out three by yourself."

The awe in his voice made no difference.

"Who is dead and injured?" Levi asked, voice flat.

"I-I don't know," Kirchstein said. His eyes fell on the corpse. "I guess Ricket is, sir…"

"Help gather them. Where is Jaeger?"

Kirchstein, now paler and more drawn, pointed behind him. Levi walked past, trying to hide his limp and failing, but Kirchstein was more focused on Ricket anyway. They had probably been friends. The kids from the original squad were too good at making friends.

In the dim light ahead, Levi saw the titans' felled husks crawling with humans, like little parasites. Several of younger cadet members stabbed the back of the beasts' necks just in case—or out of rage. More humans stayed on the ground, picking up pieces of broken gear and bending over bodies. They were all shaken. Disturbed. They'd been caught by surprise when they never should have been, and Levi knew it.

Up ahead, Mikasa caught sight of him.

"Sir!" she barked, jogging over.

Levi hurried to meet her, wishing his limp would disappear. Luckily, Mikasa didn't say anything about it when he reached her side.

"Report," Levi said.

"All the titans who invaded the camp are dead," she said. "But Eren's still in his titan form. He went out there…" she motioned at the darkness, "I think to make sure there aren't any more. I'll go after him to make sure he's all right."

"No, you won't," Levi said. "Stay and help pick up the camp. We have dead to clear and injured to tend to. That brat will be fine as long as he comes back in the next few minutes."

Mikasa bit back a sharp retort. Levi held her stare for a long moment, unmoving—establishing the order. But then, someone behind them started moaning in pain, and Mikasa's dark eyes went from glaring at Levi to the poor soul whose legs had been almost torn off. Mikasa split away and knelt by the half-conscious cadet, leaving Levi standing on the edge of the camp.

He glanced out there. He couldn't hear Eren stomping around, or roaring, or anything like he usually did. Stealth wasn't exactly Eren's thing. A small shoot of worry went through him again.

Before he could overthink it, Mikasa called for his aid. Levi broke from the edge of the camp and instead ordered Mikasa to stifle the cadet's screams of agony while he staunched the blood flow. Around them, more screams—of both pain and horror—were rising, and he wanted nothing more for them to all be silenced. It would take him and Hanji a while to get everything under control, what with the state their camp was in now.

If only Erwin were here.

* * *

Heavy waves sloshed into them from behind Eren. Each one caused them to sway together, fighting to keep their balance without breaking eye contact. Everything below Levi's chest had gone numb long ago, and every time water splashed higher, he fought a violent shiver. September nights had already begun to freeze them out. The rest of their squad lay sleeping back at the camp right now, bundled up in layers if they had extra blankets, and pressed close together to share body heat if they didn't. None of them knew these two were out here.

Just them.

After a pause that Levi wished had never ended, Eren reached up and put his thin, strong fingers around Levi's. He repositioned Levi's hands so they gripped closer together, then pressed down, urging Levi to hold tighter.

A quiet sound, like a whimper, slipped out of Levi's throat. He had hoped Eren couldn't hear it over the hissing ocean, but the boy smiled. His hands slid away from Levi's, and one reached out to caress the side of his face. It was warm, almost hot compared to the deep chill of the ocean water. Levi leaned into it without meaning to, wanting to close his eyes but not daring. He didn't want to waste a single second gazing at Eren while he still could.

"I don't want to do this," he said.

He expected an 'I know,' or, although he knew it was far-fetched, a broken 'I'm sorry,' but he got neither. Eren dropped his gorgeous eyes. His lips parted, and he repeated the deathly word he'd used earlier, back at the camp.

"Please?"

It was like a cold, steel blade through the heart.

Levi gave in and squeezed his eyes shut. It had been such a small and pitiful request. Nothing like Eren himself. Not loud or brash. Not bold or fiery, or full of heart. No—this was soft and weak. After watching Eren transform into a massive and powerful titan so many times, and after witnessing his raw strength tear their enemies limb from limb without breaking the slightest sweat, it almost seemed like a transgression. As if someone had possessed him.

As if someone had taken Eren away.

* * *

"Still nothing," Mikasa said. "Permission to form a search party, sir."

Levi and Mikasa stood by the edge of camp again. Twenty minutes or so had passed, and there was still no sign of Eren—not even a single, Earth-shuddering footstep or hiss of steam. Mikasa had grown antsy, and Levi had, too, although he didn't show it. The doubt was gone. Now that they had their camp under control and the injured were tended to, their next priority was clear.

Levi huffed. "Granted. Get two others, your choice, and fan out. You lead south, I'll lead north."

Mikasa nodded, a grateful look crossing her face. She spun and went off without another word, already shouting for Arlert and Braus to finish putting on their gear. Levi didn't want to wait. He went the other direction and grabbed a torch on his way out of camp. Either no one noticed him, or no one dared to stop him. He was alone.

Stiff beach grass crunched beneath his boots. Much of it was already pressed flat by titan feet, squashed down in huge patches. Levi could only see as far as the ring of his torch allowed. After he crested the short hill leading away from the beach, the land fell away into a field. Wide, open field with no anchors to latch onto if a titan came. If there were any more out here, it would spot him in a second and be on him the next.

It was so quiet.

Except for the quiet voice somewhere ahead of him.

Levi's head snapped toward it, senses pricked forward, every nerve in his body straining to get a better idea of what he'd heard. At first, it seemed like nothing had happened. A low breeze brushed his hair over his forehead and made him wonder if the wind was playing tricks on him. But then it sounded again—a low, long whimper.

Levi's feet moved before he could stop them. He broke into a run and, four steps later, plunged into a bloodbath.

The sickening, warm squelch of human blood beneath his boot stopped him cold. In the torchlight, it looked black rather than crimson. It had splattered partway up his boot and pants leg—the thought flashed through his head that he'd have to spend a long time scrubbing it off his 3DMG straps. Then the noise rose again. Levi's heart hammered. He raised the torch and revealed what appeared at first to be a solid, tan wall, but then he realized it was steaming.

Eren's titan form.

It lay stretched out on the grass, and from what Levi could tell from this angle, it was empty. The human blood beneath his boot suddenly screamed that much louder. Without missing a beat, Levi triggered the 3DMG wire and latched onto the titan's arm, using it to propel himself upward. He landed on its shoulder, staggering a bit from his ankle, but now he could see the full scene.

More blood. The back of the titan form's neck was crisscrossed with a network of slash marks. One of them had penetrated almost all the way through to the inside—and that's where Eren half-dangled out of the titan's body. He hung upside down, but his hands and lower body were still trapped inside, tethered by the titan's thick muscle tissue. Around him, like a scarlet halo, blood spread in all directions, spattered outward.

"Eren!"

Levi swung down from the titan's shoulder and thumped beside the opening in its neck. To his surprise, the moment he landed, Eren looked at him. His emerald eyes were dull and glassy. His face, raked with long scars traveling downward from his eyes, was emotionless.

"Captain," Eren said.

"What happened?" Levi barked, driving his torch into the ground so it stood upright. "Where are you injured? Are there more titans?"

Eren shook his head and looked away. "No, they're all gone. I'm fine."

"Clearly that's not the case," Levi spat. "Stay still."

With one, smooth flick of his blades, Levi cut Eren free. The boy's lithe body slithered out and slumped to the ground, a gasping mess. Immediately, a burst of hot steam erupted from several places, including one of his feet, which Levi supposed he'd just cut off. Ignoring the cloud of intense heat, Levi got to one knee beside Eren and lifted his chin with one hand.

"Tell me what happened."

Eren refused to meet his gaze. "The blood's not mine. Not all of it."

"Well whose is the rest?"

"I don't know."

"How can you not know?"

"I didn't see him."

"...what happened?"

"I think he was one of the new cadets. He's dead. I killed him."

Levi's eyes widened. The weight of the words was enough to compensate for the sudden drop in Eren's voice. When he glanced again at the halo of blood, he began to notice details he hadn't been able to see farther back. Bits of flesh. Scraps of uniform. Shards of snapped blades. Pieces of limbs.

Eren still hadn't moved. He lay at Levi's feet and stared at the midnight sky with the same, emotionless expression as before. Except—when Levi looked a little closer, he could detect that underlying realization pooling in his eyes, even broader and deeper than the ocean at their back—the same realization he'd seen there after they'd chased Annie's titan into the woods.

The guilt.

Levi leaned nearer to Eren's face and lowered his voice. "Tell me everything."

"It won't make a difference," Eren whispered.

"Was it an accident?"

"Yes."

"Then how could it not make a difference, brat?" Levi grabbed Eren by the shoulders and shoved him upward. "I wasn't joking. Tell me everything."

Eren, caught by surprise, steadied himself with his hands, but still wouldn't look Levi in the face. He caught sight of a nearby piece of the cadet's uniform, and a patch of sleeve where the Survey Corp's insignia was sewn, sopping with blood. Eren looked away, horror mounting in his eyes.

"Now," Levi snapped.

"I-I came out here to make sure there weren't any more coming," Eren said. "But as I left the camp, someone's maneuvering hooks caught on my shoulder blades. Next thing I know, there's a slash over the back of my neck and I guess… instinct took over. I panicked. The next time he went by, he managed to land another two slashes before I—"

He cut off, squeezing his eyes shut. He covered his mouth with a shaking hand.

A cold, somber stillness filled Levi. The steam from Eren's body had stopped billowing and had reduced to a collection of thin wisps. Its gentle hiss broke the night's quiet, along with the distant ring of Mikasa's faraway voice and the hum of the ocean. Another gentle breezed filled Levi's nostrils with the smell of death.

There was no way around this one.

"Look…I'm not going to tell you to feel all right about this," Levi said, forming his words with care, "but there's nothing else you could've done. The new cadets are idiots. If you'd let him kill you, we'd be short our greatest weapon, not to mention we'd be even more desolate on this forsaken island than we are now. You're worth too much to allow yourself to die."

Eren glared. "That's not true, and it wouldn't give me an excuse to kill anyone even if it was."

"I didn't say it was an excuse," Levi said through his teeth. "Now get up. We'll get you back to camp so your crazy sister doesn't start a panic."

"She's not crazy," Eren muttered under his breath, but he allowed Levi to hoist him up by the elbow.

Standing, Eren could see the rest of the scene. His titan form was already starting to disintegrate, leaving no trace it was ever there. Underneath, around, and beyond it lay the cadet's remains. Despite how destroyed the body was, it had left a surprising amount of gore. Levi almost resented the dead kid for a moment because of the look that crossed Eren's face. But then he quelled the thought and dragged Eren back toward camp.

A death was still a death. Another human was dead now, even if it was an accident. And even though Levi was more than willing to give the others the explanation, he couldn't help from dreading the thought that this hadn't happened before. Not in this direct of a manner. Eren would have to pay.

* * *

The time had come.

It was high tide, and if the sea rose any further, it would probably end up washing away them both. Eren seemed to sense this, and he readjusted Levi's hands a second time with nervous, twitchy movements. The moon hid behind a cloud. An eerie and deathlike quiet hugged the area where they waited.

"Okay," Eren breathed. "If you don't do it now…."

He trailed off. Levi didn't need him to finish, though. He sucked a sharp breath through his nose and clenched his teeth hard enough to send a bolt of pain through his jaw. No time to think, no time to second-guess. This was their final moment.

A split-second thought zipped through his mind. He hesitated.

 _Tell him how you feel._

Eren snatched Levi's wrist. "Do it now!"

Levi shoved downward. Eren had been expecting it, and he allowed his knees to buckle, following the motion backward. He plunged into the water, sending up a large splash and a frenzied burst of bubbles. As soon as Levi's hands broke the surface, a swell of disgust swept over him. He almost let go immediately, but Eren's hand was still anchored to his wrist. It was a reminder of what they'd agreed. They were bound, now. Locked like this.

Levi couldn't see Eren's face past the water. It was like gazing into a chunk of unpolished ebony marble, except this marble frothed with the chilling, passive amorality of raw nature. Whatever the ocean claimed, it kept forever. It would only be a matter of minutes before it claimed Eren.

Beneath the clutches of his fingers, Levi could feel Eren's throat tighten and loosen as he swallowed. Every second that ticked by marked a moment closer to a gaping fear Levi couldn't control. Yet, it was a familiar one.

Aloneness.

No, not quite.

Loneliness.

* * *

They'd had Eren in shackles before morning.

Mikasa put up the biggest fight, of course, alongside Arlert. Levi had even tried to step between Eren and the military police officials who had come down from the next camp after they'd heard the attacks. None of it did any good.

This had gone on long enough, the officials said. Eren was a danger and always had been, and after everything they'd put up with and all the rules they had bent to humor their already-dangerous endeavors, it was time to put it to an end. Levi fought to restrain himself from punching the head official in the throat.

There never had been any 'going on too long,' he argued. Eren was rash at times, but his selfless—if suicidal—bravery had saved the entire human race's collective ass more than once. If they wanted to pack up the last shreds of their honor by locking up a hero, they deserved to be hurled over the walls.

"Then I guess you'll have to hurl us all by yourself, Captain," the official had said.

None of this bothered Levi as much as Eren's response. He was placid. Compliant.

 _Submissive._

Seeing Eren hold his wrists behind him without even being prompted, gorgeous eyes cast down, filled Levi to bursting with rage. He wanted to roar at Eren, leap on him, make his teeth bleed, and then kick him around just to see tears in his eyes—to see any form of emotion there. All he held now was a frightening blankness.

It made sense later on, when he visited Eren at his cell. They had shackled him between two posts, tight handcuffs on each wrist. When Levi approached, evening had already fallen, bordering on night, and he swore he saw thin curls of smoke rising from Eren's face. He raced across the last few steps of packed dirt, stooping and jerking his face up by the chin. Eren made a startled, pupils shrinking, but then he relaxed.

"What's your deal, old man?" Eren asked.

Levi looked his face over, but saw only smooth skin. "What happened? I thought I saw you healing."

Eren's eyes flicked away for a second. "Really? Weird. Must've been a trick of the light."

"Don't lie to me."

"It's really not important, Levi, I prom—"

"I said. Don't. Lie." Levi snapped, tightening his grip.

Eren winced and met Levi's eyes. A spark of annoyance rolled through his glittering irises, and a bit of the tension bled from Levi's heart. There was still something in there, after all.

"They just roughed me up a little," Eren mumbled. "It doesn't even come close to what you've done to me before."

Levi snarled. "They didn't have the right to touch you. Let alone chain you up."

"It's fine."

"Explain how that is. I already told them it was an accident. The most they should be able to do is send you to the capitol for a trial, and even then not without official escort… who the hell do they think they are? What do they think they're doing?"

"Their job," Eren said.

"Shut up."

"I'm not wrong. What could you expect them to do? I killed someone. I'm a monster… always have been."

Levi ground his teeth. "Keep talking like that, and I'll do more than just rough you up. People have known for years what you are. This shouldn't change a thing."

"But it does. Someone is dead."

"Someone who attacked you first. It was self-defense, and an accident."

"Levi, that doesn't matter. Don't you get it? I killed a human… and I… I am _not_ a human. An innocent person is dead because of me. It's not like the last time…"

Levi slid his hand up one side of Eren's face, caressing his jaw. His other hand slid up the other side, until he could run his thumbs along Eren's hairline. The tension bunched in his own hands, causing them to tremble with the sheer effort of restraint. Eren's eyes were still too dark and too blank. Part of Levi wanted to give Eren a hearty slap, to watch his head turn under the impact, and another part of him wanted to cradle that head underneath his chin and… weep. More than anything, the situation made him want to draw one of his blades and shove it deep into the spine of every official in sight.

"Aw… Levi," Eren murmured.

Levi broke from his thoughts and blinked. Eren gazed up at him softly, leaning into his touch. A hint of a smile touched his lips.

"What?" Levi asked.

"You're so mad. It's kinda cute."

Levi sneered and raised his hand, causing Eren to shrink back. He maintained eye contact and, after realizing Levi wasn't going to hit him, cracked another smile. It wasn't happy, though. It was sympathetic. Perhaps pitying.

"You're also sad," Eren said.

"I'm pissed off, is what I am," Levi snapped. "You're cowering here like some captive who's given up all hope. It's not… you."

"Levi, please. Stop. You've killed people before, so you know what it feels like."

"It doesn't mean you can't move past it," Levi said. "Healing takes time. Realizing you're not at fault will take time. But it can be done."

"But _should_ it?" Eren asked. "I've been thinking about this for a long time. I think I should be taken to trial. The only problem is, I don't think I'd make it to the capitol…"

Levi thought about the curls of smoke he'd seen when he ran up. He gave a grim nod.

"I'd slash their throats out first."

"You couldn't. Too many people look up to you for you to lose your reputation over one soldier."

Levi frowned. "You're more than that. You're humanity's last hope."

"I don't think it's quite that romantic of an idea anymore," Eren said. "Now that we've found out everything from the basement, we've been taking back the island piece by piece, reclaiming our home. Hanji's research, and all the evidence on these beaches, has given us tons of information about the Marlyans. I'm pretty sure humanity could carry on just fine without me. Just take Armin and the others with you. You'll be fine."

"No. We need you."

Eren exhaled through his nose. "Levi, I'm trying to be blunt here. The officials are going to kill me long before I reach the capitol. All of us know how to kill titans, and how to spot titan-shifters. We know where we're going next, and we know how to get there. I'm… not vital anymore. And after today, I'm definitely not going to be welcomed back into the squad. You don't need me."

Levi had a blind moment of fury before it plummeted right back down to the soles of his boots. Eren's gaze burned. He wasn't just talking about the squad.

"You don't know what I need," Levi croaked past his tight throat. "And it's arrogant to think you won't be a useful asset moving forward. You have one of the only connections to those miserable creatures. Your half-brother is the maniac behind all this, isn't he?"

Eren cringed. "Yes. It'd be nice to talk to him to figure this out, but it's not essential that it should be me."

"We can just kill him, you know."

"You probably should. You don't need me to do it."

"Would you stop that?" Levi snapped. "Where is all this coming from? Weren't you so excited to see the ocean just two years ago? Weren't you the one to help us formulate the plans for the next moves? You were the one with the key to the box in that basement. Your father was the one who passed you those memories. Why are you so willing to give up, and why so suddenly? What happened to your love of humanity as a whole?"

He fell silent, and the night air rushed to fill the cavity of his words. Levi expected Eren to get angry, or to wilt, or something like he usually did when Levi yelled at him and struck a nerve he knew to be true. However, Eren just stared.

"I still love humanity," Eren said. "I just don't belong in it. Like I said, I've been thinking about this for a long time, and I guess I just… needed a sign. I deserve to die."

"The only ones who deserve to die are the conniving insects who call themselves leaders, only to turn around and accuse heroes of murder."

"Levi… I've been thinking about it for a _long time_."

The words finally cut through. Levi's next argument spiraled off into nonexistence—and in its place sprang up a tight, horrible, understanding. The boy's eyes finally became stalwart, unwavering, fixed in their decision. Because it was a decision. And one that he'd made.

One he'd made a long time ago?

"You know it's going to happen, one way or another," Eren whispered. "And more likely tonight than ever. I don't want them to be the ones in control of how it happens. I want that control."

"This isn't something you get to decide."

"It's the only thing I get to decide," Eren snapped.

Levi stood up. "No! You don't… I can't… you wouldn't…"

"Levi.

"What good would it do?"

"Does it have to do any good? Isn't it my life, and don't I have the right to make my own decisions, especially when it relates to the end of that life?"

"But you—"

"You wouldn't want anybody else to decide when you'll die. You'd want that right."

Levi crouched back to eye level. "Yes, I would. But I also understand that this squad would fall apart without me. It's a responsibility."

"I get that. But we're different, and nothing you can come up with will change that. I'm sorry. The only thing I ever regret is not telling you sooner."

"Telling me what? That you want to die?"

Eren rolled his eyes. "No, that I love you."

Levi bit back his breath. No matter how many times he heard those words, it sapped the sense out of him. He had to look away for a moment.

"You say that all the time, you know," Levi said.

"Yeah. But it wasn't until we'd known each other for years. I've felt that way since I first met you… well, not right after. Give it a few months since you kicked my teeth out."

He finished with a smile. Levi gritted his teeth. He wanted to say it back. He always had. But he also didn't want to say it back, because if he let it slip out, there was no taking it back. The only other two people he had said that to had rotted to dust long ago. And now Eren was saying...

"Anyway," Eren said. "I want you to do a favor for me. And I'm sorry, but I need you to say yes."

* * *

Eren grabbed Levi's wrist for precisely one second. Then he seemed to remember why they were here, and his long fingers loosened, then slipped off. It didn't take much longer for him to stop moving altogether.

The muscles on Levi's neck strained until one popped. Pain shot up the side of his skull, but he refused to move. If he did, Eren could get out and rise to the surface—which on one hand, would rid Levi of this all-encompassing guilt, but if Eren survived this, he would never forgive Levi.

A hellish choice.

He shouldn't have to do this.

He wouldn't.

Levi's hands released like loaded springs, and he jerked them out of the water. Numbness gripped his fingers, which half-curled into the position they'd maintained for probably less than half a minute.

The dark waters roiled and bubbled for a second before Eren surfaced, gasping and choking, coughing up mouthfuls of cold water into Levi's face. Levi didn't care. He dropped his hands to Eren's shirt collar and lurched backward, dragging them both back toward the shore, where he lost his footing and collapsed onto the soft sand. Eren, shaking and still coughing hard enough to jerk his entire body, tumbled on top of him.

For a few seconds, Levi didn't know what to do or say. He lay there, feeling Eren's weight on him, relishing every spasm of the boy's body as he hacked the last of the water out of his lungs. When Eren regained control of his limbs, he crawled off Levi, still sucking in broken breaths, and flopped on to beach beside him. Levi didn't dare move.

"I… I thought you were going through with it," Eren croaked. His voice was beautiful. Alive. Present.

"I couldn't."

"But you said—" Eren descended into more coughing.

Levi butted in. "I know I promised. I know it's what you wanted. But I can't. You're the only thing I have left, and damn all responsibilities I have… if I lost you, none of it would matter anymore. Don't you get it? How are you able to say that you… you love me, if you're willing to just go throw yourself into the nearest ocean and die? And have _me_ kill you? What part of that is love to you?"

Eren had regained his breath, but fell silent. Levi's anger resurfaced—fueled by the insane adrenaline that had burned his every vein and was now dying away, leaving him shaky and breathless. His tirade wasn't over.

"You claim to do and know so many things, Eren, but you're an absolute moron, and completely blind. I couldn't kill you if it meant saving every other human on Earth. I couldn't kill you if it meant saving myself. Why would you ever ask me to do this? How do you think I'd be able to live with myself after doing something like that? I'd last maybe a few days, a week at most. Then what? Pursue a goal that just leads to more war, this time against humans? You expect me to keep this from your sister, and your friends? And watch them grieve for you in a way I couldn't show? I couldn't go on. I can't… I wouldn't… if I lost you…"

His voice finally gave out. He clapped his mouth shut and turned away, squeezing his eyes closed and clamping one hand over his mouth to keep in all the horrid, pathetic sounds he'd release if he let them out. Ocean sounds hissed and roared in the background. Eren didn't make a sound. Darkness hung around them like a blindfold, all except the occasional slivers of moonlight that bounced off the surface. The ocean was too powerful. The darkness too thick. Levi could be sitting here alone with a corpse. It would be too much to handle.

Eren's hand touched his shoulder. "Levi…" No answer. "Levi, I… I want to say I'm sorry, but I'm not. If you'd killed me… well, that's exactly what I wanted. Of course I don't want you to despair over me, or to leave you and Mikasa and Armin and all the others feeling like you're abandoned. I love you all so much… it's just about living like this, with a monster inside me. I've tried to explain it so many times, but…" He trailed off, then picked up again. "So I'm not sorry. But I am glad. I'm glad you didn't go through with it."

Levi turned. He silently thanked the darkness, so Eren couldn't see the weak, ugly tears glistening on his lower eyelids. But just feeling Eren's warm breath fanning against his cheeks and forehead was enough.

"There's no right answer," Eren continued, voice still crackly and raw. "I'm probably never going to accept what I did yesterday. But I love you so much, I honestly don't know how I hold it in sometimes. So I'm glad I'm still here… with you."

The words swirled around Levi's cold-addled brain. It hurt to think about. Every word. But the last ones stuck.

"You are so selfish," Levi said. Eren started back, but Levi continued. "And so selfless. You're the single most confusing creature I've ever met, and it's frustrating. I just wish…" he growled. "I wish I could make you stop hating yourself. Am I not enough?"

Eren sighed. "You are more than enough. So much so that I don't deserve you. Or anyone. But I never want to be away from you."

Levi groaned and rubbed his eyes. "You want to die, you want to stay. You want me to kill you, but you love me. What the hell goes on in your head, huh?"

"A lot," Eren said. "More than needs to."

"We have a lot to work on, don't we?"

"What do you mean?"

"This… us…" Levi motioned between them. "I'm not leaving you again, so you can be sure we're going to have to work on this whole thing. And if we don't want the guards to wake up and find us, we should leave."

"Leave the beach?"

"Leave everything. The squad. The Survey Corps. Hanji. Your sister. All of it. Maybe someday we'll come back, but I can't turn you loose on your own, and now I…" Levi paused. He wanted to say 'after almost losing you, I realize that I can't live without you,' but the words wouldn't come.

Eren seemed awed. "You'd do that for me?"

"You asked me to choke you and hold you underwater until you drowned. Running away with you is nothing in comparison."

"I… I suppose so, but to leave your life with the Corps—"

"Shut up. I'm not asking. I'm telling. And we have to go now."

Levi tried to stand, but his knees were still too wobbly, and he just thumped back down to the caky sand. Eren's hand shot out to steady him. The skin was warm. Always so warm. And desperate. Eren snagged Levi in his arms and hugged him tight—almost too tight to breathe. His lips came close to Levi's ear.

"It's going to be hard," he said. "They'll hunt us. You might never be allowed to lead again."

"I don't care."

"Am I really worth losing all this, Levi?"

Levi pushed back and stared him in the face, not an inch away. This close, he could see some of the details of Eren's face, even in the blackness. Tears rolled out of the boy's eyes freely. He never had a problem showing his emotions.

"It is."

A pause. Eren didn't look like he believed Levi, biting his lip and searching Levi's eyes. Then he stroked the side of Levi's face.

"You really do love me."

Levi swallowed. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. He wanted to say it. God, he wanted to say it. But it wouldn't come. Too many things piled up there. Too much dust gathered on too many bones.

"It's okay," Eren said. "You don't have to say it. You show it better than anyone I know."

They hugged again. Frigid ocean water slithered up the beach and touched their boots, then retracted. A breeze picked up and made it even colder, but it didn't matter. In a few minutes, or an hour, or maybe two, they would stand up and tiptoe away, melting into the night and disappearing for—hopefully—forever. Levi didn't know where they'd go. They could live off the land if they needed to. They'd done it before. And with each other… well, maybe it would be a little easier.

He knew they'd have their ups and downs. Eren's self-hatred wouldn't vanish overnight. His own insecurities about his love for Eren, and vice versa, would still clutch his mind for sleepless night after sleepless night. They'd both torture themselves over the grief they left behind.

But they'd be together.

Alive.

And that's all Levi could ask for.


End file.
